Once, when I was a little kid, I found a cassette in the mud, next to a fallen tree trunk, in the woods behind my old house. At the time, I figured that it fell out of some asshole teenager’s pocket while he and his friends sat drinking a bunch of shitty beer. Thinking about it now. I can say for sure that was the case. I picked up the cassette and took it home with me. It was some sort of mix tape and I was curious what was on it... all it said was "Mix Tape," obviously the creator was quite creative. Anyway, I put it into my parents’ tape deck and pressed the play button. For a moment the sound of filthy, distorted cock rock blasted through my stereo. The tape deck broke and my mom yelled at me. It sounded exactly like you’d imagine a tape buried in mud would sound like. What I am getting at is Great Caesar is exactly like that mix tape. A non-creative, mud covered, piece of plastic that violates your stereo when you play it. Listening to their album is basically liked being raped by a bearded homeless man.
I was told about this band by a fan via email. And god damn you... I hate you so much for making me experience this garbage. I swear to god, if I ever meet you in real life I'll jam a squirrel in you.
"Ave, Caesar, morituri te salutant!" Nope... Not really.
"Little" (get it? HAHAHAHAHA) Caesar sounds like the kind of band you'd hear in a Starbucks, playing in the back, while no one Listens. Pseudo-intellectual folk rock. Hey... That's a good genre name. Good job Great Caesar you actually accomplished something! You created a genre: Pseudo-Intellectual Folk Rock! Copyright Mexican Robots. But in all seriousness... please, if you see these guys in a Starbucks, please, please, please punch the vocalist.
The vocalist sounds like he listens to a lot of American Idol. Except he can't sing a note. His range is like a vacuum cleaner. His lyrics... Christ... his lyrics! His lyrics are bad... And I'm not saying that just to be a dick--Yeah, of course, I'm a dick... But they are so bad. They are so pretentious while simultaneously having absolutely no meaning that it would make Lady Gaga shit her pants... Perhaps, that's the point? What you are hearing is a little boy's high school diary.
OK, let me attempt to explain the shittyness of his lyrics if that didn't hammer it home. Well actually I don't care if that hammered it home, I want to just reinforce how terrible his voice and lyrics are... His lyrics are so cliched that they literally induce a feeling of empathy in ME. I literally feel bad for him. They are so embarrassing... I feel like he might have a mental illness. So, I almost feel bad for telling you how much they suck... ALMOST.
Guitar? Ok, where to start? Well the guitar progressions are about as original as the remade version of The Karate Kid. I kind of feel like the guitar player learned to play using a children's chord book. And never progressed past the first few pages... In other words, his playing style is like a brand new sponge, ridged and ready to absorb (someone else's ideas). Yeah, there really isn't much originality in the guitar playing.. His tone? Well, let me tell you about that. The guitar tone sounds like something you'd hear on a Nickel back slow song. Need I say more?
The Drums are like any other cliched indie rock band. Lots of toms. Nothing interesting about them... In fact they'd probably be better off using a drum machine. At least that'd add some character to this Characterless band.
Oh, and guess what? This band has horns! HAH. We were talking about Kenny G earlier? Well now you know why... The horns obviously add nothing to the music--it just makes it sound muddled.
Hey, Great Caesar? Do you think you're clever? Do you actually think you're a legitimate band? I ask you this because you're a band with absolutely no sort of personality at all. No characteristics, no charisma, nothing that anyone would ever think twice about. It's like you are writing music that should be played in elevators... Your lyrics are cheap and cliched, your singing is a-tonal, your guitar playing sounds like a 9 year old is at the helm, and your drumming sounds like you ripped it off from an Arcade Fire album.
I reviewed a band awhile back... A terrible act called 1974... I have to say, at least 1974 had something you could latch on to. Bad or good. They had a "sound." Yes they sounded like a wet washcloth falling into a tub of burning seagulls--but at least they had something. You guys, however, literally have no redeeming factors whatsoever... Great Caesar are basically like a used paper towel. No one gives a shit about you--and you can easily be replaced by a cloth towel.
I actually hope you all die of cancer after dying in a fire. You heard me right. I hope you die double time. You pretentious twats.