Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Sam Cohen - Cool It (the back handed review)

I started to download this album before listening to the stream... As soon as i started listening to the stream I stopped downloading. This album is like Watching Phil Collins watching somebody drown.  It makes you feel sad and really weird.

Hey... Let me ask you, Sam... You really like 70s rock and roll, huh?  Listening to this album made me think of "That 70s Show" and I really hate that show.  So, I say to you, Mr. Sam... I hate you and all that you stand for...  I kind get the feeling that this guy is a vintage equipment hoarder.  Hey! Spend your money on something worth while! Dick! SAWWY

This is a really great album... Unfortunately it's a rip off of every 70s band you can imagine.  Well, let me put it another way.  Think of all the songs that Wes Anderson used in his movies.  Combine them all together, taking out the scores, and you have this album.  If that's your thing.  You might like this album.  Hopefully that is not your think

Pretty Lights sounds like angels whispering angelic songs into your ear.  It also actually sounds identical to an Electric Prunes song--can't remember the name and I'm not looking it up. Deal with it.  Man, Lou Reed was an inspiration to Mr. Sam.  We got some late Velvet underground on here...  Oh boy, a lot of Velvet Underground  As well Rollingstones, LOVE, nico, and some Spirit.  It's a pure Psych rock album. Which is kind of surprising.  I don't think I've heard anything in this vein in along time. (Besides every band existing since 2009) With the music-sphere saturated with dance and electronic acts Mr. Sam breaks through the wall of dismay and dancing idiots with a psych rock album that actually commits to psych rock and not really ironically, either.  That's pretty dope, if it was done in 2005. You should buy the album, but not really. Buying any music is a waste of time and money.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

When i have to listen to your crappy music

Monday, March 16, 2015


Today's post is really about nothing.  I really didn't feel like listening to any of the music. OK? OK? Is that OK with you? I'm just here to declare a confession... Well reluctantly declare a confession.  I get questions about this all the time.  So, I admit it. My blog name was inspired by Bender from Futurama OK? Look it up. Deal with it. The name is cool.

Like I said this week really has nothing to do with anything.  Well, SXSW actually... So perhaps I'll share my opinions about that.  SXSW sucks. OK? Most of these 'indie' festivals have gotten so huge they are out of control.  SXSW is a blight on the music scene that needs to be eradicated with pure radiation and fire.  I don't care for SXSW much.  To some it's the holy grail of festivals.  "omg, i'm playing(or going) to SXSW."  And I don't get it.  You get clumped together with a bunch of other crappy bands (and people)...  I guess to most bands it's just the thought of possibly being "discovered" by a label... But in reality... the chances of getting "discovered" are slim to none NOW.  Maybe back in the day.  But now? Give me a break.  And if you are discovered...  it's most likely by some indie label that gives you a terrible deal in exchange for promotion.  What's the point?  Most indie labels promotion techniques are terrible and so very ineffective.  The only way to get known that was is to know someone.  I get thousands of mass, generated emails from labels and PR people begging for reviews from blogs and magazines.  I'm just a small blog that no one pays attention to... for good reason too. Fuck you.  I still get thousands of emails.  I pick one to write about.  A tick in Google's search results.  Some review sites, which are in better standing with the music community, have more pull, of course and I hate them too.  Maybe you'll get on Pitchfork and get a good review--it's not going to help you that much... You think it would... But one review won't do shit for you or your shitty band.  You might sell a few hundred albums? But you think you're going to survive off that?  Get a real job hippy.

So back to SXSW... the BEST outcome leads to a review on Pitchfork or in SPIN or RollingStone which then leads you to sell a few cds or records or tapes.  That's a great start... But it's no guarantee that you are going to make it.  Have you actually read Pitchfork?  They promote some really terrible bands.  Solution?  Just tour, dummy.  and if you're any good. Well if people like you, I wont, but if idiots like your crappy band... You'll sell more albums on the road than you ever will on a small indie label website.  In addition, if you're on a indie label, some of that money might have to go back to them... really for nothing.  Sending out a few PR emails?  Indie labels are jokes.  So, why even bother joining a label? Well there is no reason.  Do the PR yourself.  Make your self known.  And the only way to do that... is... to... tour.  You might be saying to yourself... "Well, isn't SXSW just another way to get exposure?"  No! SXSW is a corporate shit fest now.  Sure a few people will see you, but they saturate the festival with so many bands, people wont even remember your stupid name.  SXSW is no longer in the propagation-of-music game anymore  Just to make money. In 2012 the fest generated $167 million IN LOCAL BUSINESS ALONE!  Imagine what Pepsi, McDonalds, Prevail Diapers for Adults, etc... make by sponsoring the fest?  So, don't get caught up in shit fests like SXSW.  You are only perpetuating the downfall of music.  It's really just all about SXSW and not the music or films.
Just fucking tour without a label.  Get a shitty van, quit your shitty job, dump your shitty girlfriend and fucking tour.  I mean if the shitty garage rock band White Mystery can do it. You can too.  And from what I've gathered they are making a decent impact.  They are getting known and making ends meet and doing what they love.  It might sound like I'm promoting the propagation of shitty music.  I'm not... I hope your van breaks down.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Interview with an idiot

Had some fun times on facebook the today.  I just had to post it.  I posted an speculative article about if they took the bonuses given on Wall Street to the US gov they could increase minimum wage to $15.  Here is the article  Hilarity ensued when a nut case responded.  The thread follows:

The names have been changed to protect the ignorant:

Guy: Thats the democrates remember obamas speech ? (i am for main sreet not wall street) how did that work out?

Guy: they talk a good show but ?

Mexican Robots: R*****d, you're a funny guy :)Can't spell democrat without the "Rat?" Am I right? Am I right??? Oh, but the unemployment rate is the lowest since 2009. Actually Mid-2008. Obama care has saved millions of people. So perhaps it did work out pretty well? Don't you say?

Guy: no because the unemployment rate is fake fuzzie math it is actualy down all most 2 milloin jobs this year foer the pepole who droped out think about it if it was so good why do the food stamp keep risine because all they have created is hamburger flipin jobs. and obama care is the biggest joke you took pepole with no insurance some needed it but olt just did not want it till now and made pepole how did the right tjing all there life suffer for it they lost there ins now the can not aford it and are not intitled to free ins the whole thing is a joke you will see as more pepole become dependit on gov just what the dems want THE MORE THEY DO FOR YOU THE MORE THE FREEDOM THEY WILL TAKE


MR: Okay, before we get into how insane you sound. When you say “fake fuzzie math,” what exactly do you mean? One means absolutely false, the other implies uncertainty. Ok, now we are through that. I’d like to ask… Where are you getting your information regarding the 2 “milloin,” assuming you mean million, people losing their jobs this year? I would LOVE to see that. And if food stamps are in fact rising, it’s because people don’t have any disposable income… Since they are working… wait for it…. Wait for it… Low-pay minimum wage jobs! Next, insurance is important for EVERYONE. If I understand your response… I’m sorry I don’t speak Drunk… But if you choose not to have insurance, then you are seriously damaged, especially with how much just a simple hospital visit costs. Why would you NOT want health insurance? But if you were, one of these “pepole,” as you so eloquently put it, you can file for a health coverage exemption. And lastly, to respond to your second comment, what sort of pipe did you take to the dome to write such a mind blowing, racist statement? I’m curious what sort of freedoms were taken away from you that you’d have to write that?

MR: It's easy to just say things, Richard. Do you have any actual evidence to back any of this stuff up?

Guy: first off if you think things are better you are a fool or it is better for you ! because medium income is down 7,000,00 a years for the past 6 years. pepolehave lost 50% ot there wealth and i am talking the avg person. funnie math means when you drop out of the work force because you can not find a job such as unemplyment ran out you are not counted no more if you are like me who retired you are not counted it is very simple numbers from gov all ways lie to make things look better but sosial services keep growing meaning it is not that good or pepole are lazy which is it ? and as far as freedoms goes you must buy health insurace or be find , freedom of speach if it is not corect to your dem gov you will be punished such as lose your buisness ! nures most help in abortions you can not say a prayer any where unless you are muslim ! there is many mose so if you think it is good i know ity is not, iretired at 48 to not have to do obamas laws and i have made more money now then i ever did just buy watching and listning to there lies and doing the upsit of what they say that main street speach made me go to wall street and made a killing ! and alls obama care did for me was make me lay off 17 pepole so i would not have to be involes

Guy: look up work force pertiapation numbers

Guy: [Attempts to post the entire contents of an very large article.  Here is the link: http://www.westernjournalism.com/obamas-policies-caused-greatest-u-s-wealth-decline-in-decades/]

MR: I feel like your arguments are jumping all over the place. *sigh* The article you cited is not from a reputable news source. I don’t trust websites that try to open malware on my computer. Perhaps you should check this out it explains Work Force Participation in pretty simple language: http://qz.com/.../the-chart-obama-haters-love-most-and.../ Matthew Phillips is a reputable writer, he’s worked for the Wall Street Journal covering, get this… the great recession.

MR: First off, whether things are better is not contingent upon whether they have improved for the person making an argument. Facts are not subjective.

MR: People have lost much of their wealth, which is due to the recession - triggered by events in the mid-2000s - and not due to the "dems". This wealth has flowed to the pockets of bankers and the heads of large corporations, an issue with which you seem to be absolutely content. The President implemented the Financial Stability Oversight Council and Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to prevent the type of predatory financial practices that led to the recession in the first place. However, the nominees for these have been continually blocked and their effectiveness has been gutted.

Don't talk about wealth leaving the middle class unless you intend to mention the fact that the wealth gap we have today is the worst since the Gilded Age, and that seems to be the way your cronies in congress plan to keep it. 

And guess what? Democratic governors do not shut down businesses because of the political leanings of the owners. Perhaps that is what you would do, but it isn't in any way based on reality. 

As for prayer, you can say prayers anywhere you want to, but if you're doing it in an official capacity as a government employee you're violating the separation of church and state. Your personal beliefs are just that - personal. You don't get to impose them on people of different faiths simply because you feel entitled to. 

Now, do you have any empirical evidence to back your jumbled rant, or do we have to listen to more of your hysterical impromptu ravings?

Guy: it is a pointless argument you could not change a persons mind today i will keep a spot open for you guys on my 500 ace compound for when the shit catches up and it goming

MR: 500 acre (I assume you mean acre when you say “ace”) compound? Are you in the Michigan Militia or just a David Koresh wannabe? Let me let you in on a little secret… when you are in an argument there are several things that are important. First, you MUST be articulate. Second, you MUST present FACTS. And third, you never ever use the words “FUCK JEWS.”

End of the conversation.  


Guy: i do not belive in politcal correctness what we are talking about be for already a slave

MR: Ladies and gentleman: true nature is reveled

Guy: and that is ?

MR: 1. You are not correct... Politically. And well factually nether. And 2. you sir are a bigot. This discussion isn't pointless because you can't convince people, it's pointless because you don't do a good job arguing. You evidently would rather spew hate in ALL CAPS than spend your time informing yourself well enough to construct a coherent argument. Consequently, the discussion is now closed. You lost. Have a great day.

Guy: you dear sir have a tipicail Liberal Elitist attiud ment to dimener any with a diffrent view then you you lose i never lose so eat shit and die poog


Guy: bve ass hole !

MR: bvebve

Guy: you are a real moron !

And scene. 


Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Beyoncé - Beyoncé

With all the emails I get, wouldn't you think there'd be something worthwhile to write about? Nope. Absolutely not.  Pure garbage.  But that hasn't stopped me in the past.  Just to stir shit up I'm going to do something a little different this week. Just to fuck with you.  I'm going to review a mainstream album.  This, honestly, doesn't mean much since "INDIE" musicians aren't making art anymore, they're making mainstream corporate bullshit, the only difference they just aren't getting paid to make it.   So, I'm doing something different. you heard me, different. I'm going to be talking about an album that has already come out.  I might cite previous reviews of other reviewers... I might not... I might make shit totally up, I don't know.  That's totally up to me. ME. So shut up, stop bitching.  And if you don't find it funny then get the fuck off my blog.

Hmm. The album cover looks like Hershey's logo, right? If you aren't bright enough to figure it out I'm reviewing Beyoncé's "new" album.  Yah, the broad that that idiot Kanye West stood up for in the middle of Beck's thank you speech at the Grammys.  (Oh my gosh is he fucking her?)  In other words, I am going to suffer through the mound of pure garbage to make you laugh.  Deal with it, ME. DEAL WITH IT.

The album starts with an overly produced little tune---OK, spoiler alert, let me just say up front... the whole album is a overly produced piece of this garbage---but this particular turd is called "Pretty Hurts."  The introduction begins with someone asking the question "What is your aspiration in life?"  Who, talking to an adult, asks a question like this? A shrink? So, Beyoncé starts in the shrinks office.  She responds with that she wants to be happy.  Holy shit. A little obvious, huh? We all want to be happy.  That's your only aspiration? Is that even an "aspiration?"  No.  That's a wish.  And with her corporate music--she could ether be very happy or very sad depending on her personality.  But in my opinion Beyoncé isn't even a real person, she's a robot.  Anyway, I had a brief interview with Beyoncé (could have been her agent's secretary, I don't know) March 5th 2015.  It only lasted 30 seconds but here is the transcript.

Mexican-Robots: Hi Beyoncé.  My name is Jay from Mexican Robots and I'd like to ask you a few Questions. 

Beyonce: Uh.  Who? 

MR: Yes, I'd like to ask you a few question about your new album?

B: Silence. 

MR: First I'd like to ask you... Who do you think you are? Why release such dross on the airwaves?  Well that was two questions--

B: (Belligerent) Who the fuck is this? What the fuck are you talking about? How did you get this number? 

MR: I'm sorry Beyoncé, there is no reason to get hostile.  I'm just asking you a few questions.   If you had gotten the Grammy, what would you have done with it?

B: (Inaudible yelling in the background then)  What?

MR:  If you got the Grammy, would you actually keep it in your house? Or would the corporate dudes who made your album take it away and power you down till the next tour?

B: (Group laughing, has been switched to speaker phone)

MR: I'm sorry Beyoncé is this a bad time? I'm just trying to ask you what the people want to hear. And you seem to be avoiding all my questions.  And, in fact, being rather rude.  

<hang up> 

So as you can see Beyoncé is a mean mean lady or automaton who doesn't like when people ask her honest questions.  So on with my review.  The next track "Haunted" reminds one of being in an elevator that's stuck between floors.  I literally felt like there was a mouth breather standing right behind me while the color by numbers music violated me.  That's really all I have to say about that.

"Drunk in Love" has Jay Z on it.  Yeah, the guy who is from New York and tells everyone it when ever he meets them.  You think that's a joke... No it's not. I actually met Jay Z on the streets of NY 2 summers ago.  I was going to Rockefeller center when I saw Jay Z on the street. Conversation went like this: "Hi, Jay Z" "Yeah man, Hi.  I'm from New York. Deal with it."  He then walked away.  Anyway.  This song should get an award in and of itself for, not only how corporate, we've covered that, the whole album sounds like it came out of a machine somewhere, but how stupidly executed it is and how lyrically vapid--it's like a fucking wasteland.   Yeah, yeah yeah... none of her lyrics are anything more than nods to entries in a high school girl's diary.  But this song, wow, it's like you took a page out of a high school girl's diary, gave it to a someone who didn't speak English well and had them make a translation to a language they've never even heard of.

I'm going to skip a few songs down to... Blue... The last song.  Honestly, you aren't missing much.  A A mixture of Corporate garbage and elevator music pretty much sums it up.  "Blue" is probably one of the best songs ever.  Just kidding.  Beyonce, you don't get that.  It truely is a monstrosity conceived by a sea lion who had relations with a young otter. "I looked in your eyes i felt alive" OH GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.  The lyrics are so contrived, so trite, and so absurd they make me fucking blind.  Musically, it sounds like some asshole got a casio piano for x-mas and started fucking with the presets. And ohhhhh she added glitchy drums--how modern and relevant.  Absolutely ridiculous.  It's insulting to anyone who actually makes art.  Beyoncé does not make art.  She makes spectacles--classy my ass.

I've discovered that albums like this, and modern music in general, have dropped the entire sincerity aspect... No more texture, no more musical talent, no more memorable and thoughtful lyrics, just a nice beat and a singer with a large range. I predict in 10 years mainstream music will just be a drum machine hitting the kick drum (4/4 timing at 120bpm) with guttural vocal tones sparely and strategically place over it.  That's music. That's art. But now thinking about it... That sounds kind of cool.  Maybe I'll do that.  I'll become the new Beyoncé, bitches.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

DTCV - Uptime!

DTVC is one of those bands that don't last longer than a year (give or take).  Let's hope that is right because damn they produce pure garbage.  Uptime (sorry i'm not even going to dignify their idiocy by using the exclamation mark) has been branded as a "post-punk" album.  What it is in reality is a power-pop album, barren of thought, balless, disease ridden, and living in the sewer.  If it were a dog, I probably put it out of it's misery. Their image is just as bad. It's coated in a thick sticky layer of pretentiousness.  I mean... just look at them: 

Shades? What? Your future's too bright?

The cover art reminds me of a dude sporting a mustache, living off a trust fund, shopping at Goodwill.  A Lite Bright sloppily placed and photographed? Come on, guys, lets be a little more imaginative... We all get that you're millennials.  But do you have to really prove the stereotype that millennials are lazy and pompous

DTCV. Let's talk about the name. DTCV. What kind of imbecile names their band an acronym. A pretentious one. Ok, I walked into that. But what could it stand for? OH WAIT. It doesn't stand for anything it's pronounced "Detective." Ok, the headache is just getting worse and I haven't even started talking about the music. Detective? DTCV? The pretentiousness is really starting to ooze now.

Musically, DTCV has absolutely nothing significant or interesting to bring to the table. And after seeing all this pretentious crap, you'd think: "Hey, maybe they are doing something different and fresh... who knows? It might just blow my mind." Nope. Their music is nothing more than watered down 90s garbage runoff, that drones on and on till you just can't take it anymore and either break shit or turn it off. It's power-pop for people who can't handle power-pop.  The vocals are buried under a layer of reverb that--Ok, now, I enjoy reverb... but it's getting really old. Especially caked onto vocals. At this point, if you put too much reverb on your vocals, you're just lazy. Lyrically... well: "I'll see it all gone down the you." ("It's a Stealer") Did she just stroke out for that chorus? To put it nicely, the lyrics are trite, meaningless, and void of any actual thought. They are nonsensical... and not even in that abstract kind of way. They are just bad.  Their guitar tone reminds one of something you'd hear at Guitar Center.  Some wanker sitting in the corner playing a Line6 amp so loud that you can't even hear your thumb piano.

Great job DTCV, you have successfully created the most ostentatious and boring album that I've had the misfortune of hearing.  

Oh, and a little side note... They used "#Joshua Tree" as a tag for this album... Just saying :) 
Record store owners:  ban this album from the racks. Unless, of course, you're into cock rock, a tool and living in a world of delusion (oh you own a record store, nevermind)  

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Body Language - Really love (Video)

Ok, Let's get this straight.  I do not condone listening to Body Language.  They are terrible,  So don't take this review wrong.

I got an email today stating that Body Language just released a music video.  I thought to myself: "This should be easy.  Watch and Delete." But unfortunately their videos are even worse than their music.  It's bad, man. It's really bad.  The whole video is in slow motion.   Let me repeat that.  The whole, the entire thing, all of it is in slow motion.  If that's not a sign of a terrible director, not sure what is.

Unfortunately I should probably explain further.  The video is based on Alice in Wonderland, Oh boy how insightful Body Language is.  "Alice" journeys to "wonderland," which looks like a NIN video.  Oh Joy, another fresh and creative element (I thought Brooklyn was supposed to be on the cutting edge of music and art).  She travels, in slow motion, of course, through a "disturbing" (not really, just weird for the sake of being weird) dance party (is this supposed to represent the Tea Party?).  OK. One thing... What the fuck is the deal with videos attempting to be disturbing?  The writer is obviously a average/boring person and doesn't understand how to be disturbing.  Seriously, if you want to get a fucked up video, hire a fucked up person to write it.  Anyway, she goes through the party, meets up with the white rabbit who then proceeds to rape her.  My Bad, forgot to mention Spoiler Alert. Oh well, you're not missing much.

Oh I almost forgot! There is a random black lady, laying on a couch, that pops up periodically... For no reason, whatsoever.

Great job Body Language. You've successfully made a video that's actually worse than your music.