Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Anastasia Markov - The Details Removed Because I'm a Dick

I hate emails. just stop it. But I gotta deal with them.  Just deal with it, man.  So, this Becka is peddling is some straight up played out horse crap.  She sends me this email, right? She asks me to write about the show, right? so, I go and listen to the music, right? The music is some middle class white chick playing acoustic guitar (that she got for x-mas) singing about love love love--real fucking original.  It's really trite and unoriginal and, well, bad!  It's like you took a large log, hollowed it out, filled it with boiling hot pitch then dipped your nuts or tits in it.  

lazy review: 
Lyrics : bad
Guitar : bad 
song structure : bad
recording style : bad 

Anyway... the following is just an email I got from someone named Beka, asking me to promote the shitty band she's representing.  But guess what, I'm blocking out the details just to be a dick.  I also commented when i could. 

my [MR: can't even capitalize the first letter of the sentence? Real professional Bekka] name is Becca Simas and I represent Boston based folk/punk [MR: punk my ass] singer songwriter Anastasia Markov. 

Anastasia is a rising force on the Boston music scene [MR: I don't believe that] but [MR: don't you mean and?] is returning to  where she was born and raised [MR: almost as cliche as the music] for a show this summer on . I was wondering if you could post a show announcement on your publication to raise awareness [MR: awareness?] for the event. She hasn't played a show in █ in almost six months [MR: omg omg omg] despite it being the place where she fell in love with performing [MR: I thought she was 'born and raised'], so she's expecting a pretty impressive turnout [MR: So why are you bothering me?] for the show.

Please refer to her website for a bio, links to music, videos, and recent press. 

I'm also trying to book interviews and private concerts [MR: private concerts?  WTF does that mean?  Are you coming to my appt?] leading up to the show as well as just the show announcements. If you're interested in something like this, please get back to me. [MR: i think i'll just reply with 'done']

Additionally, here is a link to the facebook event for the show set up through her music facebook fan page.  [MR: this email is going on forEVER] I've also attached a picture [MR: taken using instagram, obviously] I'd like you to use [MR; Oh you'd like me to use, huh? Forget it i wont use either! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO] for the publication and the show flier. If you need any additional information [MR: Think i've got enough], please let me know [MR: no.]██████████████████████████4/

Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon.


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Frog Eyes: A Dissection of Manipulative Marketing

The topic of the day, boys and girls, is heavy-handed marketing.  We are going to talk about how Frog Eyes uses his Dead Father to market his new album! Doesn't that sound fun? :D :D :D

Friday, July 3, 2015

Ty Segall is starting a supergroup

Now, I'm not sure if I would call ANYTHING Ty Segall does "super." But apparently he is starting a supergroup.  

Let me ask Ty something... Who do you think you are; invading our eardrums with your trite, dull, and dim-witted "music?"  Your lyrics are drivel and your image... Well you look like a petty thug who turned junky. What's your deal? 

Anyway, here is the line up:
Guitar/vox: Ty Segall
Bass: Ty Segall
Drums: Ty Segall

How is this possible, you might ask?  Well, Ty is apparently going to have everything prerecorded and use 2 52" LED tvs in place of other band members. I mean... we all knew Ty Segall was self absorbed, but who knew he'd stoop to starting a self proclaimed supergroup consisting of only him.  

Thursday, June 18, 2015

1974 & The Battle For The Lazer Fortress

I received an email from the band 1974 asking me to review their previous album.  At first I was infuriated.  I took the gun out of my desk draw and put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger 5 times...Unfortunately, it was unloaded. Rats... I guess I had to listen to another abomination. OK, Universe, you win... I acquiesce.  Here is my review:

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Great Caesar EP

Once, when I was a little kid, I found a cassette in the mud, next to a fallen tree trunk, in the woods behind my old house. At the time, I figured that it fell out of some asshole teenager’s pocket while he and his friends sat drinking a bunch of shitty beer. Thinking about it now.  I can say for sure that was the case.  I picked up the cassette and took it home with me. It was some sort of mix tape and I was curious what was on it... all it said was "Mix Tape," obviously the creator was quite creative. Anyway, I put it into my parents’ tape deck and pressed the play button. For a moment the sound of filthy, distorted cock rock blasted through my stereo.  The tape deck broke and my mom yelled at me. It sounded exactly like you’d imagine a tape buried in mud would sound like. What I am getting at is Great Caesar is exactly like that mix tape.  A non-creative, mud covered, piece of plastic that violates your stereo when you play it.  Listening to their album is basically liked being raped by a bearded homeless man.

I was told about this band by a fan via email.  And god damn you... I hate you so much for making me experience this garbage.  I swear to god, if I ever meet you in real life I'll jam a squirrel in you.

If you view Great Caesar's website, they sound exactly like their image... a bunch of pretentious pricks, attempting to make thoughtful music.  These guys are so pretentious that they actually have some poor fellow follow them around, just to adjust their guitar straps.  Though, obviously, like with most pretentious, hipster bands they fail... They are basically just a rehash of 20 other unoriginal bands.  In fact, Little Caesar fails so hard, you actually hear their dicks shrinking.  Just listen... that's the sound of a man with no dick.  Sorry, but it's basically like listening to a ball-less version of Kenny G.
"Ave, Caesar, morituri te salutant!" Nope... Not really.

"Little" (get it? HAHAHAHAHA) Caesar sounds like the kind of band you'd hear in a Starbucks, playing in the back, while no one Listens.  Pseudo-intellectual folk rock.  Hey... That's a good genre name.  Good job Great Caesar you actually accomplished something! You created a genre: Pseudo-Intellectual Folk Rock!  Copyright Mexican Robots.  But in all seriousness... please, if you see these guys in a Starbucks, please, please, please punch the vocalist.

The vocalist sounds like he listens to a lot of American Idol.  Except he can't sing a note.  His range is like a vacuum cleaner.  His lyrics... Christ... his lyrics! His lyrics are bad... And I'm not saying that just to be a dick--Yeah, of course, I'm a dick...  But they are so bad.  They are so pretentious while simultaneously having absolutely no meaning that it would make Lady Gaga shit her pants... Perhaps, that's the point?  What you are hearing is a little boy's high school diary.

OK, let me attempt to explain the shittyness of his lyrics if that didn't hammer it home.  Well actually I don't care if that hammered it home, I want to just reinforce how terrible his voice and lyrics are...  His lyrics are so cliched that they literally induce a feeling of empathy in ME.  I literally feel bad for him.  They are so embarrassing... I feel like he might have a mental illness.  So, I almost feel bad for telling you how much they suck... ALMOST.

Guitar? Ok, where to start? Well the guitar progressions are about as original as the remade version of The Karate Kid.  I kind of feel like the guitar player learned to play using a children's chord book.  And never progressed past the first few pages... In other words, his playing style is like a brand new sponge, ridged and ready to absorb (someone else's ideas).  Yeah, there really isn't much originality in the guitar playing..  His tone?  Well, let me tell you about that.  The guitar tone sounds like something you'd hear on a Nickel back slow song.  Need I say more?

The Drums are like any other cliched indie rock band.  Lots of toms.  Nothing interesting about them... In fact they'd probably be better off using a drum machine.  At least that'd add some character to this Characterless band.

Oh, and guess what?  This band has horns! HAH. We were talking about Kenny G earlier? Well now you know why...  The horns obviously add nothing to the music--it just makes it sound muddled.

Hey, Great Caesar? Do you think you're clever?  Do you actually think you're a legitimate band?  I ask you this because you're a band with absolutely no sort of personality at all.  No characteristics, no charisma, nothing that anyone would ever think twice about.  It's like you are writing music that should be played in elevators... Your lyrics are cheap and cliched, your singing is a-tonal, your guitar playing sounds like a 9 year old is at the helm, and your drumming sounds like you ripped it off from an Arcade Fire album.

I reviewed a band awhile back... A terrible act called 1974... I have to say, at least 1974 had something you could latch on to.  Bad or good.  They had a "sound." Yes they sounded like a wet washcloth falling into a tub of burning seagulls--but at least they had something.  You guys, however, literally have no redeeming factors whatsoever... Great Caesar are basically like a used paper towel.  No one gives a shit about you--and you can easily be replaced by a cloth towel.

I actually hope you all die of cancer after dying in a fire. You heard me right. I hope you die double time.  You pretentious twats.