Wednesday, July 1, 2015

i don't wanna

Thursday, June 18, 2015

1974 & The Battle For The Lazer Fortress

I received an email from the band 1974 asking me to review their previous album.  At first I was infuriated.  I took the gun out of my desk draw and put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger 5 times...Unfortunately, it was unloaded. Rats... I guess I had to listen to another abomination. OK, Universe, you win... I acquiesce.  Here is my review:

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Great Caesar EP

Once, when I was a little kid, I found a cassette in the mud, next to a fallen tree trunk, in the woods behind my old house. At the time, I figured that it fell out of some asshole teenager’s pocket while he and his friends sat drinking a bunch of shitty beer. Thinking about it now.  I can say for sure that was the case.  I picked up the cassette and took it home with me. It was some sort of mix tape and I was curious what was on it... all it said was "Mix Tape," obviously the creator was quite creative. Anyway, I put it into my parents’ tape deck and pressed the play button. For a moment the sound of filthy, distorted cock rock blasted through my stereo.  The tape deck broke and my mom yelled at me. It sounded exactly like you’d imagine a tape buried in mud would sound like. What I am getting at is Great Caesar is exactly like that mix tape.  A non-creative, mud covered, piece of plastic that violates your stereo when you play it.  Listening to their album is basically liked being raped by a bearded homeless man.

I was told about this band by a fan via email.  And god damn you... I hate you so much for making me experience this garbage.  I swear to god, if I ever meet you in real life I'll jam a squirrel in you.

If you view Great Caesar's website, they sound exactly like their image... a bunch of pretentious pricks, attempting to make thoughtful music.  These guys are so pretentious that they actually have some poor fellow follow them around, just to adjust their guitar straps.  Though, obviously, like with most pretentious, hipster bands they fail... They are basically just a rehash of 20 other unoriginal bands.  In fact, Little Caesar fails so hard, you actually hear their dicks shrinking.  Just listen... that's the sound of a man with no dick.  Sorry, but it's basically like listening to a ball-less version of Kenny G.
"Ave, Caesar, morituri te salutant!" Nope... Not really.

"Little" (get it? HAHAHAHAHA) Caesar sounds like the kind of band you'd hear in a Starbucks, playing in the back, while no one Listens.  Pseudo-intellectual folk rock.  Hey... That's a good genre name.  Good job Great Caesar you actually accomplished something! You created a genre: Pseudo-Intellectual Folk Rock!  Copyright Mexican Robots.  But in all seriousness... please, if you see these guys in a Starbucks, please, please, please punch the vocalist.

The vocalist sounds like he listens to a lot of American Idol.  Except he can't sing a note.  His range is like a vacuum cleaner.  His lyrics... Christ... his lyrics! His lyrics are bad... And I'm not saying that just to be a dick--Yeah, of course, I'm a dick...  But they are so bad.  They are so pretentious while simultaneously having absolutely no meaning that it would make Lady Gaga shit her pants... Perhaps, that's the point?  What you are hearing is a little boy's high school diary.

OK, let me attempt to explain the shittyness of his lyrics if that didn't hammer it home.  Well actually I don't care if that hammered it home, I want to just reinforce how terrible his voice and lyrics are...  His lyrics are so cliched that they literally induce a feeling of empathy in ME.  I literally feel bad for him.  They are so embarrassing... I feel like he might have a mental illness.  So, I almost feel bad for telling you how much they suck... ALMOST.

Guitar? Ok, where to start? Well the guitar progressions are about as original as the remade version of The Karate Kid.  I kind of feel like the guitar player learned to play using a children's chord book.  And never progressed past the first few pages... In other words, his playing style is like a brand new sponge, ridged and ready to absorb (someone else's ideas).  Yeah, there really isn't much originality in the guitar playing..  His tone?  Well, let me tell you about that.  The guitar tone sounds like something you'd hear on a Nickel back slow song.  Need I say more?

The Drums are like any other cliched indie rock band.  Lots of toms.  Nothing interesting about them... In fact they'd probably be better off using a drum machine.  At least that'd add some character to this Characterless band.

Oh, and guess what?  This band has horns! HAH. We were talking about Kenny G earlier? Well now you know why...  The horns obviously add nothing to the music--it just makes it sound muddled.

Hey, Great Caesar? Do you think you're clever?  Do you actually think you're a legitimate band?  I ask you this because you're a band with absolutely no sort of personality at all.  No characteristics, no charisma, nothing that anyone would ever think twice about.  It's like you are writing music that should be played in elevators... Your lyrics are cheap and cliched, your singing is a-tonal, your guitar playing sounds like a 9 year old is at the helm, and your drumming sounds like you ripped it off from an Arcade Fire album.

I reviewed a band awhile back... A terrible act called 1974... I have to say, at least 1974 had something you could latch on to.  Bad or good.  They had a "sound." Yes they sounded like a wet washcloth falling into a tub of burning seagulls--but at least they had something.  You guys, however, literally have no redeeming factors whatsoever... Great Caesar are basically like a used paper towel.  No one gives a shit about you--and you can easily be replaced by a cloth towel.

I actually hope you all die of cancer after dying in a fire. You heard me right. I hope you die double time.  You pretentious twats.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Live At Pickathon Ty Segall / King Tuff (SPLIT)

So tired of seeing Ty Segall appear in my inbox.  Why must I be subjected to this torment?

Ty Segall, is, in all fairness, a blight on the music scene.  A rotting carcass of a musician.  His most recent endeavor, Live at Pickathon with King Tuff, another Champion, is a torturous look at how not to be a musician.  If ISIS had a favorite band, it'd be Ty Segall.  King Tuff, why are you still here.  Get out of here, I'm not focusing on mediocrity right now.  I'm focusing on the mind altering baron, synapse breaking Ty Segall and his band of merry men.  I have one question for you, Ty Segall: Who do you think you are?  Releasing a live show is like releasing a box set of fecal matter.  If you were really all there, you wouldn't have done this.  I have a sneaking suspiction that Ty Segall secretly does Bath Salts.  I mean, you'd have to to release such "music."  Instead of releasing a live set, Ty Segall, why don't you actually release something that people would want to hear?  Maybe the sound of you turning off your amp? or perhaps you dropping the microphone? Perhaps you could just make a Foley album.

Well I figured out why... If you listen closely to Ty Segall's tracks you hear the sound of change jingling and being poured into his pockets.  Though, I am certain it's all pennies.  But this album is quite simply a ploy to sell more shit to dumb people who don't realize it's not good.  On Wikipedia, Ty Segall is classified as Garage Rock... Really? Really? Ty Segall... Did you put that in, cause what i hear is the sound of Cash core.  Ty Segall is some one who writes music music for the sole reason of making money, rather than for the love or art.  Segall... you should be ashamed...  I hope your van breaks down in Georgia.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

1974 - 1974 & The Death Of The Herald

So, I've been digging through my emails.  And found a gem from 2013.  An amazing gem that has invoked all sorts of feelings and emotions in me.  Unfortunately, all these are horrible and hateful feelings.  This album--excuse me--this band is possibly the most pretentious, ridiculous, trite, bogus, awful band I've ever heard. No joke. I don't think I've heard anything like this before.  When I listen to this album it conjures up images of some douche, who works at guitar center, wanking on a Thunderbird in the corner during his break.  He studies music theory and listens to Dave Mathews.  Ok, ok let me step back a moment and tell you a little bit about this album.

It's a gimmick, or well the whole band is... it's basically just a novelty act, Doctor Demento trying to be serious.  OK fine, let me get to it.  The band is attempting to sound like 70s prog.  Hence the name.  Gotta stop again... Let's talk about the name for a moment. What sane person names their band 1974 and then plays music of that era (poorly I might add)?  Like... you'd have to be absolutely out of your fuck mind to even think this is a good idea.  Of course, unless you are a novelty or ironic band.  Which I don't think they are.  This sounds like they are serious But perhaps they are just trolling the world....  Oh, not only did they name their band 1974... Did you notice that they have 1974 in the album title as well?  This is the single crummiest, laziest, most awful dim-witted album name I've seen in a longgggg time.

Ok, lets talk about the music.  Each song gets worse and worse--I almost cried out in pain and anger when the album was over. The solos are so trite and boring that they almost made me feel sorry for them... Almost being key there.  Oh by the way, spoiler, yeah... there's a Sax solo too!  The vocalist has some work to do.  I don't really think i can put into words how awful he is.  Not only as a songwriter but as a singer.  It's like he has no personality whatsoever.  This his vocals would almost be redeemable, ALMOST, if he sang in falsetto.

Guitar tone... Ok, lets go.  The guitar tone is digital sounding. Kind of like static played in rhythm.  It sounds like they recorded this entire album using the antiquated Pod guitar modeling system.  Dudes, there are so many more modeling software packages that sound WAY better.  The drums are way to treble-ly.  And the keyboards sound like they were done on a toy Casio--and not in a cool way.  Though they do have a synth that somewhat replicates that 70s sound, but they only use that once--and it wasn't that interesting.  Ok, the bass.  Aside from the bass riffs sounding like a 6th grader wrote them... the tone basically sounds like General Midi slapbass preset.

So, if you are into novelty acts that do a terrible job at replicating what they are trying to replicate, then you'll enjoy this album (plus you're an idiot).

Mexican Robots bonus!!!!!!!!

Here are some things I'd rather listen to, than this album:

The sound of Chalk

the sound of a broken car engine

a Lemur:

radio static

and this

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

To go to a studio? Old men use the studios. Get with the times grampa.

There are so many people out there that feel that in order to get a good sound they need to spend $400 a day at a studio.  Really the sound you get is a conformed sound that propagates an old way of thinking about music... A polished recording is not the natural progression of where music recording is going... if left to its own devices music would be recorded at home.

So... Old men use the studios. Get with the times grampa.

DAWs are so simple today that literally anyone can use them. Mic techniques are something you can learn from a book at the library. if one cares enough about ones craft, it's worth checking into. And as for space. Well couldn't you just rent a practice space or go to ur buddies or mom's house. Any one who cares enough could figure that out. Besides, rock music is so easy to record especially now it's a joke. Now if your recording a string quartet, yeah probably gotta goto the studio.

"But but... I don't want my sound to be lofi :(:("

I think that's a major misconception about recording at home: Lofi recordings. It's not 1995 anymore. Home recordings don't have to be Lofi.  If u spend the money you'd spend on recording at a studio on a decent DAW, mic and book you can make something just as hi fi. Plus you would have equity. If your shit doesn't pan out, sell your equipment.  Can't sell studio time.

Basically by going to a studio you are "supporting an antiquated system," which causes the natural progression of music to remain stagnant.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Award Shows

This is something I need to say.  Award shows really hinder the creation of pure, down to your inner core, art. Award shows are completely biased and based on popularity and rules set in place by the people who organizes the awards. To strive to win an award you must conform to a certain aesthetic, which could be real... But in all actuality are not really true. When you distill it down, you get a music version of a Dog Show.  Ridiculously dressed people parading around like they're never going to do.  Everything must be groomed in a certain way, sound a certain way, be accessible to a certain group of people, etc... This really isn't what Art, proper, is. Art is a visual/musical reflection of the individual creating it. and if you attempt to conform to these certain set of guide lines someone else set; if you strive to win an award, chances are you need some sort of therapy or are just hungry for acknowledgement.  Either way you're fucked or an asshole.  Winning a contest really is just about getting acknowledged... And that boils down to a lack of self actualization. If one is truly confident in their art and themselves they do no need to enter and win.

So quit being a baby and whining about not winning an award or about how you want someone to write about it.  Make what you want and don't send it to me.